Legend has it there are five poisons in life: eating, drinking, sex, gambling, and smoking.
I’ve been drinking for more than ten years, probably. I started having a little back in high school. If society is a giant dye vat, then college is a giant vat of alcohol. I often drank myself silly with classmates from all over the country. After I started working, it got even more excessive. After coming to the U.S. and living here for a few years, I drank almost every night, though thankfully I could control myself and didn’t have to get wasted the way people do at business banquets. I’ve wanted to quit drinking countless times, but then I think: if you avoid every one of life’s five poisons, how lonely would that be? (Cue the brainwashing song: “How lonely it is to be invincible; how empty it is to be invincible.”)
Today, let’s look back at some of the drinks I used to enjoy and still wanted more of. As an ordinary working stiff, the alcohol I buy is generally affordable and easy to find. If you want to tell me Moutai or Lafite tastes great, all I can say is: please support our work and send me a bottle to satisfy my cravings. Alcohol prices are usually pretty similar across stores, so there usually isn’t a great way to score a deal, but a while ago I saw that Ibotta seemed to offer some unlocked rebates, so if you’re interested, go take a look. Check this before buying alcohol
Before we talk about the drinks, let’s first go over the rules for drinking in America.
Did you ever do any of the following when you were a kid?
＊Your dad trained you from a young age to help him buy alcohol, from carrying a single bottle to hauling an entire case
＊Your parents got happy at the dinner table after drinking and told you to have a couple too
＊Your family ran a small grocery store or restaurant, and when your parents were busy, you helped hand customers alcohol and collect the money
＊You and your friends held bottles on the school field, full of youthful ambition and swagger
Maybe yes, maybe no. But in the U.S., none of these are allowed.
Under U.S. law, you must be at least 21 years old to drink. A few years ago there was chatter about raising it to 23, but that turned out to be a farce. Still, 21 is rock solid.
You must be at least 18 to work in alcohol sales.
No business can sell any alcoholic beverage to anyone under 21. If caught, the owner gets fined, and the clerk who sold it can be fined and hauled into court. The consequences are very serious. That’s why many businesses now require clerks to ask for ID if the customer looks under 40. If a clerk asks for your ID, please cooperate and be understanding. If you happen to look young, remember to bring your ID when buying alcohol!
In the U.S., drinking outdoors in public is not allowed. In many states, you can’t even have alcohol in the car, such as in MD. So when you buy alcohol, the clerk will usually pack it in an opaque plastic bag or paper bag.
These rules may seem nitpicky, but the consequences are serious.
If you think you can perfectly avoid trouble, at least make sure you do this one thing:
Don’t drink and drive.
Rideshare-style designated-driver services are nowhere near as developed in the U.S. as they are in China. So if you’re going out for a meal or drinks, you need to control yourself. U.S. law generally allows a blood alcohol concentration of up to 0.08%, which is roughly equivalent to two 12oz beers.
As for hard liquor, that’s more like ～！@＃¥％……&＊（）——
Some people are done after less than two bottles; some can drink six and still drive long distance (like me). All I can say is: try not to drink if you’re driving. Even if you trust your alcohol tolerance, don’t have more than two beers. After drinking, rest for a while before driving so you don’t end up regretting it for the rest of your life.
Enough talk. You’re probably thirsty by now. Bring on the drinks!
Let’s start with beer.
Heineken
This is probably one of the most popular beers among Chinese drinkers, and even across the U.S. It has also made its way into major retail stores back in China.
This is also what I drink most often. It’s slightly bitter, but much better when served ice cold. At this point I’ve evolved into actually liking that bitterness.
12 bottles cost about $15
Corona
Another drink that’s hugely popular among Chinese drinkers, and its standard sidekick is lime. Notice that’s lime, not some other citrus, so don’t embarrass yourself. The alcohol content is a little lower, so if you’re drinking competitively it can get expensive fast. If you squeeze all the lime juice in, the taste can get pretty astringent, so I suggest just dropping the lime wedge into the bottle.
12 bottles cost about $15
Stella Artois
A Belgian beer with more than 600 years of history. If you don’t like the two options above, this is a good alternative. I think it goes down more smoothly than Heineken. The only problem is that if you drink too much, you may wake up with a headache the next day. Belgian beer is like the Hermès of beer: part of what you’re paying for is the prestige.
12 bottles retail for about $17.
Budweiser is everywhere in China now too, but there’s nothing especially memorable about it. The flavor is light, and sometimes I crave it when eating hot pot.
12 bottles cost about $12
Speaking of Budweiser, they also have a line of drinks I really like.
This is a line of pre-mixed cocktails. I started with the strawberry flavor and kept going all the way to grape.
Highly recommend the mango flavor.
These pre-mixed cocktails are 8% ABV. Add plenty of ice when drinking them; be careful if you drink them straight.
8oz, 12 bottles cost about $14
Speaking of fruit flavors, there’s another good one.
Smirnoff Ice
Looks great, goes down smoothly, and can knock you flat before you realize it. I personally recommend the green apple flavor.
12 bottles retail for about $17.
One product I have to call out by name as a menace to the industry: four loko
That’s basically what I usually drink. I’m from southern China, so I like beer. When choosing beer, I generally recommend 12oz glass bottles. Try not to buy cans; even if you do, it’s still better to pour them into a glass. And to keep the best taste and temperature, don’t get tempted by giant bottles just because they seem cheaper.
Next up: hard liquor.
Rémy Martin
Very famous. 40 proof by the author’s wording; pretty strong... Add some ice and drink it that way. Good for warming up in winter.
750ml costs about 40
Hennessy VSOP
This is one I used to drink fairly often. Back in the day, New York KTVs usually sold this one too, but later they switched to the knockoff-looking version below.
They taste pretty similar, but the price difference is significant.
The genuine one costs about 55, the imitation about 30
Jonnie walker series
This is another very popular brand. How many bottles in the family lineup have you seen, and how many have you tried? I’ve had all of them except Blue Label. I usually drink Black Label, because I’m poor.
Black Label costs about $40.
In that lineup, most of them can be found at liquor stores except Green Label. I bought Green Label at an airport duty-free shop.
For the three hard liquors above, the most common way I drink them is mixed with green tea. Personally, I like adding a few ice cubes and making do with that. If the flavor is too strong, you can add a little soda water.
Grey Goose
Vodka on its own really doesn’t taste that great, but it’s not bad mixed with orange juice or cranberry juice. Don’t forget the ice.
750ml retails for about 40
Baijiu
Chinese baijiu culture is deep and profound, but I really don’t know how to appreciate it....
In the dead of winter, I sometimes want a drink of it. I usually go with Luzhou Laojiao Tequ. 375ml costs about $22, and Chinese liquor stores usually carry it.
Wine
It’s really hard to say which wine is good or bad because there are simply far too many varieties.
At first I didn’t know how to buy wine either, so I just tried bottles one by one. If I liked one, I bought it again; if not, I didn’t.
These days I usually buy the following two, both around $10. If I don’t feel like going out, I just order from wine.com and use AMEX offer100-30, which basically offsets the shipping. Nice and easy.
After reading all this, are you tipsy yet?
One final reminder: don’t drink and drive, and don’t make impulsive decisions either.
If you’re hesitating over a credit card application, maybe have a drink first.